Don't Be So Mean

I dislike people who are mean.

While I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in the good in all people, it is difficult for me to overlook when someone is mean. And it affects me. (This may be why I hate politics so much.)

The thing is, I guess I just don't understand why it is necessary to be mean. Thinking back to being a child, I can remember moments when I wasn't nice (and believe me, as a "people pleaser," I wanted desperately to be liked, so meanness for me was usually about my own ignorance), and to this day wish there are certain things I could take back. But I guess that's how we learn, and there are those lessons that are burned deep within because of those regrets.

Kids are mean. I wish most of it was about ignorance, but I suspect it's not. Kids know at an early age how to hurt people as a way to get revenge, a method to get what they want, or as a way to derive pleasure from watching other people hurt. They grow up into adults with the same ignorance, and pathetic desire to see others humiliated, then take pleasure in it (I don't know Omarosa personally, but her name springs to mind).

"Mean people suck." I don't remember where I heard that. I think it may have been a song title or a lyric by Bill Russell, founding member (I think) of the Forbidden Pigs. This was many, many, many years ago (early to mid-eighties). But I agree with the sentiment, these many years later. Bill, hats off to you and your perceptive platitude!

Mean Girls. Never saw it. I don't derive pleasure from watching people be mean. That's why I don't watch most reality shows - just a bunch of people wanting attention, and being mean as a way to stand out in spite of the mediocrity of their existance. Movies and sitcoms with characters who are mean are not entertaining to me, and I can't tolerate them. I know Seinfeld was a huge hit, but George Costanza was just clueless about how mean he was, and I never found that funny.

Lots of practical jokes are just plain mean. I can't tolerate those, either. I have to send my eternal gratitude and respect to Jim Womack, a friend and former colleague. He is a consumate practical joker, and when I began working in his office, I mentioned to him that I don't respond well to practical jokes, I am often just hurt by them. He never once targeted me. He's not a mean guy.

I suppose my own ignorance and insensitivity at times has come across as mean, and hurt other people. For that, I am eternally sorry. Even as an adult now, I'm sure there are times when I come across as a Mean Girl. In fact, I can think of several specific examples over which I could be accused of being mean. A stupid joke, a statement that sounded "funny" out loud but later hurt someone's feelings. Phylicia was gracious to accept my apology, but it didn't erase whatever hurt she may have felt at the time. And althought she forgave me (if I remember correctly), I still have guilt over it, these many years later. I wish it could be possible to be perfect. I would never want to hurt anyone. I would never want to be mean and have someone hate me for it. I would never want to be seen as insensitive. I can't imagine that I would ever derive pleasure from someone else's pain. And yet, I'm as guilty as anyone.

That's what forgiveness is for. I've been on the receiving end of that, many a time. It is a powerful thing, and I've been overwhelmed emotionally as a result. I must follow the example of those who have forgiven me, and open myself up to forgive others. I can think of two people in particular - the hurt is dulled or gone, the emotional ties no longer exist, but I'm not sure I've actually "forgiven." A request for forgiveness is not necessary in order to forgive, although for me, it makes it much easier to let go of the hurt. My first Love apologized for any hurt he caused me, and suddenly the wound was healed, and forgiveness was easy.

Forgiveness when it is not so easy - that is a true test of one's character. I suppose I need to make sure to work on that.