Deep, Dark Secrets - Shhhh. . .

Dear Friends: I share this with you because I love to be silly and I have a sick and twisted need to let you all in on my darkest secrets. If you are faint of heart, or would lose your respect for me to read TMI, STOP NOW, or forever hold your peace.
Love to all, Kathy

The Deep, Dark Secrets of Kathleen Marie Tortoreo:

1. What are you most afraid of? Smelly, poopy things. Hairy, smelly, poopy things. Big, hairy, smelly, poopy things. Big, hairy, smelly, poopy things that move of their own accord toward me with bad intentions and malice in their eyes - or eye, depending on their planet of origin.

2. What is the most recent movie that you have seen in a Theater? In a theater. . . Hmmm. You mean that big, dark place where I used to make out with my boyfriend before he became my husband, got me pregnant, and became so busy with the "parenting-thing" that we don't have time to go to a theater anymore? That theater?

3. Where were you born? San Diego, California

4. What is your favorite food? Italian. Same answer for "Favorite Men"

5. Have you ever been to Alaska? Ah, yes. When I was young and in my "goin' to the club" days. The female to male ratio was 1:10, so I had lots and lots and lots and LOTS of fun. I never "did" the football team, but the fishermen sure knew how to handle a woman. You just have to get past the smell.

6. Have you ever been toilet paper rolling? What? Is that pre- or post-usage?

7. Have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes, and I am a better person for it.

8. Have you ever been in a car accident? No, unfortunately I can't blame my problems on a severe head injury.

9. Do you prefer croutons or bacon bits? Bacon, baby!

10. What is your favorite day of the week? Sunday, . . . I don't know why.

11. What is your favorite restaurant? Italian. Same answer for "Favorite Men."

12. What is your favorite flower? Roses from my lover.

13. What is your favorite sport to watch? Naked Bodybuilding. Hard to find, even on cable.

14. What is your favorite drink? Chocolate Milk Shake

15. What is your favorite ice cream? Mint Chocolate Chip, never changed since I was a kid

16. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney

17. Have you ever been on a ship? U.S.S. KittyHawk Aircraft Carrier, where I was first introduced to Naked Bodybuilding.

18. What color is your bedroom carpet? I can't remember, can't see through my husband's piles of dirty clothes.

19. What's under your bed? Electronic audio equipment, attached to seven strategically placed video cameras in the bedroom, which are reviewed and edited at a later date, then posted onto our website "MarriedButWeStillDoTheNasty.Com."

20. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I was supposed to take a test?

21. What do you do when you are bored? Pick my nose, but if you ever tell anyone, I'll deny it.

22. What is your bedtime? About 7 minutes after my 4 year old son's bedtime (That includes husband/wife conversation and any possible sex, which makes for expedient and efficient viewing on the "MarriedButWeStillDoTheNasty.Com" website).

23. What is your favorite TV show? Friends, Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Ace of Cakes, The Office (Just a bit of the single-sci-fi-nerd left in me.)

24. Who is the last person you went to dinner with? Hubby. I have no other friends.

25. Who is your greatest love? TomTomTomTomTomTomTomTomTomTom, . . . okay maybe the kids a little bit.

26. What are your favorite colors? Purple - it signifies royalty, which has absolutely nothing to do with me - I just like to put myself and royalty in the same sentence.

27. How many tattoos do you have? Seventeen: I have two breasts drawn on my back, an arrow pointing to my rectum with the word "hole", my name tattooed on both feet in case I can't be identified by dental records, the lyrics to Vanilla Ice's "Ice, Ice, Baby" on my left butt cheek, eight letters across my fingers spelling "buttface," an unnamed Alaskan fishing boat on my left shoulder blade to commemorate my sexual glory days, Dwayne Johnson / "The Rock" (post-wrestling) from his naked torso up on my belly, and, last but not least, a delicate script just below my C-section scar that reads "No one under 21 admitted."

28. How many pets do you have? Five: Birdie the Dalmatian, husband Tom, daughter Kelsey, daughter Cassandra and son Marcello.

29. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Thanks for the headache!

30. What do you want to do before you die? Travel to distant lands, learn to scuba dive, write a best selling novel (no joke), run a marathon (oh, wait, I did that already) and . . .

31. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, my car is acting up, I'm afraid that long drive would kill it for good.

32. Have you been to countries outside the U.S.? Yes - only the Dominican Republic, on my first honeymoon, during which my then-husband told me that getting married was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. I've been afraid to leave the country ever since.

33. What would you like inscribed on your grave's headstone? "Engaged in silliness often, and was deeply loved for it."