Thinking about God

I have random thoughts about Spiritual Stuff, and also random-or-consequently-linked thoughts about being Catholic. Having been raised a Catholic, I am anchored in the traditions of the church and Sunday Mass, but as a human in this time / era, I've developed Spiritual thoughts which don't really support, or aren't supported by, the religion.

The reason this comes up today is because I was stressing pretty hard about the transition in which my family is currently mired, and I got a little overwhelmed with fear about things not working out. * Side Note #1 * I have demonstrated over the last near-seven years of marriage that I am quite capable of FREAKING OUT. What I've learned is that freaking out never solves the problem, it just makes me feel worse. And ultimately, I end up having to address the problem in some way, so let's cut out the freaking out part and just make a plan. (I still react emotionally, but much better at not freaking out.) *And I'm back * So, I needed comfort, and turned to the rosary I keep in my purse. I needed someone to tell me not to worry, and although Tom (husband) told me that several times, I just needed more. I was driving, and put the rosary around my neck.

* Side Note #2 * Rosaries are not necklaces. Contrary to the Eighties-era photos, it is inappropriate to wear them as jewelry, and most Catholics know this (I think). They're prayer chains, not jewelry. But, let's be honest - You don't go to hell for wearing a rosary around your neck. * And I'm back * Even though I have never done this, I slipped it over my head, thinking that just for today, maybe the feeling of the rosary close to my heart would remind me that I'm not alone, that everything will work itself out. I noticed it all day, kinda sweaty against my skin in the South Florida pre-summer heat. Truthfully, I didn't feel comforted, but feeling the beads just made me remember that things will get worked out.

The thing is, I'm struggling right now with the "power of prayer." When Marcello was born, and consequently in the hospital for 19 days struggling to survive, so many people prayed for him and his health, and I appreciated every moment of that prayer. But at the same time, what was more important for me was that he was in the right place at the right time, in the right hospital, being treated by the right doctors with the right experience. I don't think I prayed as much as I should have, but I was convinced Marcello wouldn't die. Thanks to exceptional medical care, and lots of prayer, he survived.

Two years prior to this event, Tom and I were struggling financially, making bad decisions based on bad information. Night after night, I prayed to God, begged for intercessions on our behalf to the Virgin Mary, my three beloved and deceased grandparents, Tom's beloved and deceased father. Night after night, I cried while laying in bed, and only finally falling asleep while saying the rosary, each hard little bead clutched in my fingers. My humble and pain-filled prayers never eased the suffering, never brought about a job offer, never fixed our stupid mistakes. The praying focused my mind away from my fears and allowed me to relax enough to sleep.

So I'm operating on the theory currently that God doesn't reach his hand down very often to intercede in our human trials and tribulations. * Side Note 3 * Oh, I absolutely believe in miracles! There are moments when things occur that are unexplainable by human science of any kind. But I think those are few and far between. I believe that Marcello is alive because of exceptional medical care, and hopefully devine inspiration, but definitely scientifically explainable medical care. "The miracle of life" is explainable by the biology and chemical explanations of our earth and humanity (I stilll think the start of life from non-living is a miracle), so while the birth of every baby is an absolute good and wonderful thing, it is explainable by science, and therefore not a miracle. * And I'm back. * So who am I to be so bold as to request God's hand intercede in my life, when many more humble and more worthy people need His hand much more than me.

I think God put us on this earth to learn, the make the journey and see what we would and could do with this life He gave us. We have to utilize every resource we have, every working and intelligent thought, and every moment of sentience to (forgive me for being cliche) make the journey. I don't believe God has a set plan for me, that I was "meant to do" something. I think this life that God gave me allows me the opportunity to experience love, joy, sorrow, growth, error and forgiveness, and every choice I make affects me and those around me. The theory of a destiny takes away any notion of my freedom of choice. If we are responsible for choosing right and wrong, then we have the choice. If there is no choice, and we walk only a predestined path, how can we be held responsible for our wrongs, for pain and suffering we inflict upon others?

I do fervently believe in God, in That-Which-Is-Much-Larger than myself (yeah, I could call it The Force). I want to believe in the power of prayer, but I think I more realistically believe in the power of each person's choices affecting the rest of us. One man's choice to go to medical school, focus on neonatal care, move to Amarillo and spearhead the development of the Neonatal ICU, as well as many other people's choices to devote their lives to the medical care of newborns, enabled my son to live. However God fits into their lives is unknown to me, but they healed my son, with the talents God gave them.

I still pray - my rosaries still mean a lot to me. I still talk to God sometimes. But I don't wait for him to fix things. Frankly, I don't even ask. I utilize whatever talents God gave me to work, along with my husband and family, toward fixing things myself. I don't think that's a rejection of God, I think that's what God wants to see us do. Yeah, I'm still a Catholic, and I think I am a good one. But more importantly, I consider myself a good person, and I think that is ultimately what a good Catholic has to be.