Here it is, February, 2010, and I realize I haven't blogged since about August of last year. I still have lots to say, I've just been very busy.

I'm still working as the Coordinator for the Battering Intervention and Prevention Program in Amarillo at Family Support Services - seven months now. I never thought I would enjoy working with men accused, and guilty, of hurting the women they purport to love and protect. However, it goes back to the default statement that so many people in social services say: "If I can help just one person make changes. . . If I can help just one person find a better road, a better path to pursue, then I will have made a mark, and it will have been worth it." I feel those moments when I teach class often, because the men I work with actively participate and contribute to the discussion. I'm sure I'm getting "snowed" sometimes. But my hope is that some of those men are sincere.

I love what I do. In working with perpetrators, I advocate for victims.

I am in the process of studying for my LPC (License in Professional Counseling). It's work. I earned my license in 2001, so was an LPC in Texas until 2007, when I allowed my license to expire. I was living in Florida at the time, not thinking I'd return to Texas, and planned to get licensed in Florida. June 2009 rolls around and back to Texas we go. So now, I have to retest in order to apply for my Intern License. As an intern, I must make up the difference between my first internship (2,000 hours required) and the current requirement of 3,000 hours. Once completed, I'll get to have my LPC again. No matter, I don't think we're moving away again, and I anticipate being at my job for a long, long time. Yay!

Sometimes I think that at my age, I should be farther along in my career, more successful financially and personally. . . But I can't begrudge what and where I am. I am who I am ("I yam what I yam"), and I'm perfectly fine with that! Again, yay for me.

Cassandra turned 16 last week. I thought I'd be a little more freaked out, but it's a good thing for her. She's very excited. . . Of course, I would have thought MORE excited - I told her we'd do a driving lesson this past weekend, and she was really excited, but she spent the whole weekend with her friend, so we never went. Would it be selfish of me to say I was both sad and relieved at the same time?

Marcello will be five years old in March. What a great age - pretty much everything makes you happy, and it's just great to be oblivious to the stress of grown-up life. I made the mistake of actually asking the question, "Do you want to have your birthday party at the Discovery Center or at Chuck E. Cheese?" Pizza wins out, of course. I'm already nervous about it - We haven't thrown Marcello a big birthday party yet, and those old fears "What if nobody comes" are racing through my head. How ridiculous, since everyone seems to LOVE Marcello. The challenge will be if Cassandra will take two hours out of her precious teenage years to attend. I'm thinking, "Not."

The picture I posted is my family, during Thanksgiving (2009) as a Christmas gift for mom and dad. After Thanksgiving Dinner, while I was helping clean up, all of the Holdgrafer children took turns going to the Tortoreo hotel room / temporary photo studio and took the family pictures that each of us would give to mom and dad. Tom orchestrated the whole affair, while Sarah's BBF (Best BoyFriend) Steven took the photos. Mom and Dad never suspected a thing. They were quite overwhelmed when opening gifts on Christmas Eve.

I love this family photo, especially since Tom finally consented to actually have his picture taken. Kelsey and Cassandra look beautiful, and Marcello looks adorable. We Tortoreos feel very fortunate.

My worst day with my family is better than my best day anywhere else. I'm very lucky!

Amarillo's Where I'll Be

As many of you know, the Tortoreo's - Coconut Creek Division - recently relocated to Amarillo, Texas. Some may consider this a step backward (we only moved away four years ago), but I suppose it really just depends on individual priorities.

There are reasons to dislike Amarillo (there are reasons to dislike any locale, frankly), but I choose not to address / focus on / think about these, because my happiness really only relies on my decision to be happy. And I choose to be happy.

* My parents are here, and we're close. They are ecstatic that two of their grandchildren will be close by, and Marcello has already begun bonding. Cassandra, in Tallahassee for the summer, will get her chance when she gets here. (Kelsey, we miss you terribly!)
* I met and married my husband here, so there are many good memories, many places that touch me because of him. First lunch date - Johnny Carino's Italian Restaurant, where he fell madly in love with me. The little Baptist church outside of the city limits where we married in a small ceremony, with only my parents, the girls, and the two photographers in attendance. No reception, just a quick dinner in our wedding garb at Olive Garden. We were a little afraid our heads would explode, as we are both Catholic, but the little Baptist church served us well.
* I became a mom to two beautiful girls here. Ages 12 and 8 when we married, they were funny and silly, and happy, and so very clever. They immediately fit into my Holdgrafer Family, and my parents just fell in love with them, too.
* My son was born here. You can read his story on Baby Home Pages, "The Miracle of Marcello." He aspirated on meconium, and his delivery began a 19 day oddessy in the NICU of the hospital, and an emotional roller coaster that is still quite clear in my memory. He had a rough start, but I just always knew he would be okay. He had been "promised" to me, so I wasn't worried (Kristi knows what I'm talking about!!).

So the decision to move back was not the difficult part of our most recent story. I suppose the most difficult part is putting into perspective a human piece of ourselves and trying not to see this as a "failure." It just is what it is. I loved South Florida, and would definitely consider moving back, should the opportunity present itself.
What do I miss already?
* The Cove Restaurant, in Deerfield Beach, just off Hillsboro on the intercoastal. Great food, lovely ambiance, and great food. Never had a bad meal there.
* Anne's Beach in Islamorada, in the Keys, not quite halfway to Key West. Tom talked about driving to the Keys shortly after moving to Florida, describing the vast beaches, open space, and his plan to drive the car onto the sand and just hang out all day there. He was born in South Florida and spent time in the Keys as a kid. We drove down through the Keys, and saw NO public beaches. We drove for at least an hour, and finally stopped at a convenience store to - YES - ask for directions. The cashier directed us to Anne's Beach, a little public beach with about 12 parking spaces and dock-like picnic areas on the beach surrounded by trees and plant life. Fun day, interesting area. I was breast feeding six-month-old Marcello at the time, so the privacy was appreciated. We had a great time, and still tease Tom about assuming that 40 years later, the beaches wouldn't have changed a bit.
* We only ventured to Miami Beach twice, to do a little sight-seeing and soak up the atmosphere. Such a charming area, with all the sidewalk restaurants and hotels, stylistically throw-backs to an era of art-deco. We oogled at Madonna's Hotel, the Delano, and other pricy attractions, and drove by looking at all the beautiful people. It's quite the show down there.
* We lived in Coconut Creek, and on Sundays I'd get up early to try to beat the heat, and Rollerblade until I was exhausted - I had a specific 17 mile trip I used to take. One day (okay, it happened a few times) I was unable to beat the heat, and had to call Tom to pick me up. I took the Blades off and sat on the sidewalk, and a Parkland Police Officer asked me if I was alright. I NEVER dressed to look as if I could afford to live in Parkland, but I like to think the officer was just being concerned for my health, not concerned I was casing the joint.
* Pizza Time Restaurant, an amazing Italian food place. Tom always raved about the lobster pizza, but I don't know if he ever had any during our four year stay. The food was wonderful - the Chicken Franchaise just melts in your mouth, and was the only thing I could ever bring myself to order.

So our move commenced on Saturday, June 6th, the first day of a three day drive from South Florida to Amarillo. We stopped the first night in Tallahassee, and were greeted by Tom's sister, Debbie and the scent of lasagne and chicken pasta alfredo. She snuck in a Key Lime Pie also. Debbie is the consumate hostess, always concerned with feeding you and making sure you are comfortable. She should own a Bed and Breakfast!!
Sunday, we traveled 700+ miles to Shreveport, LA, only to be greeted in the last two miles by a brake problem on the front passenger tire. We stayed with a good friend, Joseph, who we hadn't seen in maybe over five years. So the visit was unfortunately short, but very nice. Monday morning, three hours behind schedule and $68.00 later to replace a brake bolt that mysteriously disappeared, we were back on the road, headed for Texas. We arrived in Amarillo about 8:30 p.m., tired, but glad to be finished with the driving.

All day Tuesday, we unloaded our possessions into a storage facility, and cleaned up the mess we made at mom and dad's house. They're hosting our stay until we get jobs (pronounced "money"), and we hope to do our best not to wear out our welcome. Having Marcello charm them will go a long way to preventing them from getting sick of us.

So here we are. Happy, with family, and no worse for the wear.

Come for a visit soon. We'd love to see ya'll. (Nooooo, I did not just say "ya'll"!!)